Easter 2009

This is going to be a quick post. I should be packing. But, if I wait to do it, I'll have too much to post after my trip.

First, here are a few shots of the Easter egg hunt at church a couple weeks ago. It was so cold and windy, but still pretty fun.

Easter was amazing. I think Easter Sunday this year was the very best Sunday and Holiday I can remember as far as everything going smoothly and everyone getting along. The girls were in this "sharing" mood and totally helped each other find eggs and shared the eggs they gathered. They were nice to each other all day. I prayed sincerely, that David would be able to be home on Sunday morning so that the Easter bunny could come and he wouldn't miss it. His meetings were canceled at the last minute and everything worked out perfectly. The kids even got ready for church without fighting or complaining and the whole day was really nice. We made a fancy dinner just for ourselves and ate in peace. Then, we ended the day with some great video chatting with family.

jelly beans for breakfast!

another stuffed animal, he he he, my goal is 100,000 according to my kindergarten teacher ;-)

Easter dresses on Sunday morning. There's nothing better when you have little girls.

Now, I also tried to take some good pictures of the dresses before Easter. I didn't really get any that are just right. I think I'll do another round, but here's what we have so far:

(this is how we really feel about getting pictures taken in dresses)

Happy Birthday Shadow!

Our dog, Shadow, turned 9 years old this week. We've never celebrated her birthday before. A couple of years ago, Grace decided that we needed to celebrate doggie birthdays and she had a party for Velvet. Last year, I guess we were too busy, but this year we actually remembered to do it for Shadow on Monday.

Grace thinks that April 6th is a good birthday for Shadow. We don't know her exact birthday either because she is also a rescue dog, but I know that on June 2, 2000 she was about 8 weeks old, so April 6th is just about right.

We don't talk about our dogs much on our blog (unless they get into trouble!) But, the truth is, they are a huge part of our lives. I guess I should tell a bit of their story. This is for the journal.

Shadow and Velvet were our first "children" and we did treat them like that until we got real ones. (they're all ankle biters in the end though.) When we were first married, we lived in a downtown apartment in Salt Lake and couldn't have a dog. I left, what I considered to be "my" dog with my parents. David and I did a lot with Spud when we were dating and first married. We said as soon as we had a house, we would take him in. We bought a house about 18 months later and went to retrieve Spud from my family. Little did we know that he was actually my dad's dog! The two of them didn't even make it through a weekend before I had to return him home.

So, we started dog shopping for ourselves. We whole-heartedly believe in rescuing animals so we started with the shelters and the Humane Society. The first dog we looked at was a sweet, calm, black lab mix named Patrice, I think. We took her outside to "try her out" and noticed that she didn't want anything to do with us, nor did she listen to us. Still, we thought she was so nice that we might consider her. As we walked through the shelter looking at dogs, this other black dog just kept barking at us. It was such a turn off that she wouldn't be quiet, we almost didn't even think about her. But, something about her caught our interest, so we took her out too. She was unbelievable. She bonded with us instantly, completely engrossed in everything we said or did. She paid no attention to other people or dogs, only to us. She was very smart and very obedient and athletic too. We finally decided that she must have been barking because she was trying to say "pick me! take me!"

We brought "Muffin" home in mid-March 1999. She was quickly renamed Velvet for her velvety soft ears. They do feel just like black velvet fabric. She was only 9 months old and did have some serious issues from her previous family who had ignored her and must have kept her locked in a basement given her absolute terror at going down any sort of basement stairs. She was also in the middle of the laborador "puppy chew" phase. Between the psycho problems and the puppy chewing, she was a tough dog to have at first. She destroyed so many things from chewing on the wiring under my truck, the siding on the house, the 220 volt connection to the a/c outside, ANYTHING plastic or basket-like in the house. It was a real problem and we were gone all day and she was very lonely and bored.

Still, she was such a good companion and so well behaved if we were home and so SCARY smart (as our friend Steve Guenther put it) that we thought if we ever came across her breed combination again (black lab/border collie), we would get another dog just like her. We knew we could rehab the rest of Velvet's past with time.

So, it was June 2, 2000, the last day of school for the year. I was driving home in the early afternoon feeling such a sense of relief and happiness that I was through with another school year and had the whole sunny summer ahead of me. I didn't have anything to do for the afternoon since David was still in school, so I aimlessly drove towards the mall. I saw the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary van pull into the mall parking lot and followed it. They proceeded to unload several crates of rescue dogs into the center of the mall to be adopted. One of the crates had a litter of darling black puppies. The sign on the cage said "black lab/border collie mix." They were all named after the Dukes of Hazard. Bo, Luke, Duke and Daisy. There may have been one more, I can't remember. Immediately, I was interested in the only female, Daisy. She was A-DORABLE. Having not seen Velvet until she was 9 months old, I wasn't sure what she might have looked like as a puppy, so I believed the sign about the breed mix. It was exactly what we had been looking for and hoping for. And, this time, we would have a puppy that we could train from the beginning and avoid all the psychological problems of an older rescue dog that were starting to take their toll on our patience and checkbook.

I picked up Daisy and asked to take her for a little walk. They allowed me to take her for a walk inside the mall. I sat down on a bench in the mall and called David to say that I was holding a puppy and I was probably going to bring her home. He said "you do what you think you should do." So, I did it. We adopted Daisy.

After naming Velvet, David had admitted that he would have liked to have a dog named Shadow, so we decided to re-name Daisy and call her Shadow. And, boy, did the name fit too. She followed all 3 of us around like a Shadow, especially me and Velvet. Velvet asked us "why did we get a dog?" And she's felt that way about her ever since. She thinks of Shadow as her dog.

Shadow went everywhere with me. She either sat on my lap or on my shoulder in the car. She slept in the nook of my neck and as she grew eventually slept curled around my head. Finally, she got too big for my pillow and had to be sent to the foot of the bed. Both of our dogs used to sleep on our bed. Again, until we had kids who got in bed with us, then the dogs got sent to the floor. There's only so much room in a queen bed!

We discovered something else as Shadow grew up. She isn't a border collie or a lab. She's mostly a flat-coat retriever. She might have a bit of something else in her, but all of her traits and behaviors match that breed. We have decided that it is a pretty great breed too. She is one of the most gentle, mellow, and sweet creatures I've ever met and is quite smart too without the drive to get into trouble that Velvet has.

We took our dogs everywhere we went when we lived in Salt Lake. They loved to go to both our parents' houses. They got to play with Spud at my parents' and they got to play with Grandpa Earl at David's parents'. We took them hiking and on trips.

When we moved to Massachusetts, they got to go on a big airplane ride and ride in huge crates under the plane. That was quite an undertaking to get them here!

Since we have lived here, they haven't gotten to go so many places. First of all, we really don't go anywhere very much anyway. They do get to go to their doggie "spa" when we travel. We exchange dog sitting with some friends here and they have a pretty sweet set up for our dogs when we leave. We know our dogs get pampered beyond belief over there.

We also do live in a very walkable area and before we had 2 rugrats of the people sort, David would faithfully take the dogs for nightly walks down the river trail. But, now that we have so much going on in the evenings with us and both kids, the dogs have gone another notch down. We do feel badly that they don't get out as much as they used to. The girls and I do our best to play with them here and get them exercised in the yard. Grace and Hattie just love having them around the house. They are endlessly patient and forgiving of all of the kid "love." I don't think Shadow and Velvet mind all the extra food that falls from the kids' plates either. I love having them too - I have always felt so secure with them guarding our house and our family. Shadow is always 2 steps away from me no matter where I go in the house.

Our awesome canine friends are now 9 and 11 years old. They are both in really great health and pretty good shape. They both still run without pain and have lots of endurance and agility. We hope to keep them happy and healthy for as many years as possible. Grace and Hattie are utterly bonded to them and we don't remember life without them.
So, Happy Birthday to you this week Shadow!

April fooled us!

I've never been a big fan of pranks really. I don't like it when they are played on me, so I don't have much motivation to play them on anyone else. But, my Gracie is a different story.

Last year on April Fools Day, Grace really wanted to do something to her daddy. I knew he wouldn't suspect anything from us, so we had a clear shot. We were making chocolate chip cookies and I suggested that we use salt instead of sugar in part of the dough and feed daddy a really salty cookie. Grace was so excited, she almost couldn't stand it until he got home to try one.

David's reaction was the best. He went for a cookie and said "what did you put on the outside of these cookies? They taste salty." I said "nothing." So he went on to take a bite and chew it. He nearly gagged. Grace couldn't control herself. It was so funny. She has talked about it over and over for the whole past year.

When she knew April Fools was coming up again, she started planning. David was onto us now, though, so he was being very wary. We found a couple of really cute ideas in Family Fun magazine. Neither of them were mean tricks, but just funny ones. One was a bathroom joke where you write "you will soon be FLUSH with cash" on a piece of toilet paper and tape it to the toilet (or float it if you know the person will use the bathroom soon.) Then, you slide a dollar bill into the toilet paper roll and write APRIL FOOLS somewhere inside the roll near the bill. We set it up so that David would see it when he got ready for work yesterday morning. He quite liked it - hey he got a buck out of it! (he said he was hoping for a c-note, but come on, what kind of joke would that be?)

Then, Grace and I set up another one. In the magazine, it looked much more believable, but you make "homemade" breaded "fish sticks" out of a cookie or bread stick rolled in peanut butter and then coated in crushed corn flakes. Then, you make "peas" out of rolled up bits of green taffy and serve it with "ketchup" which is really jam. This one was way too involved for the unconvincing look it had in the end, but Grace was still dying to feed her daddy the taffy "peas" at dinner time. David was a good sport and went for it and she loved it.
For the rest of the night, Grace kept trying to trick us with "look there's a spider on your head" or "look there's an airplane outside" and things like that. I got her with a couple of those too.

Grace headed into the bathroom after dinner. As I was doing dishes, she yelled "mom, my tooth came out" in a very calm way like she was telling me just about anything. I didn't believe her after all the pranks she'd tried to pull and also after the FIT she's been having over anyone trying to wiggle her very loose tooth out. I thought she'd be inconsolable when it actually came out. But, I headed in to check on her anyway, and sure enough, it came out! She insists she did not pull it out herself (I believe her too) but that it just came right out on it's own. We are so relieved. I thought we'd have to take her to the dentist or have Uncle Randy pull it out when we go to Salt Lake.
So, in the end, Gracie really did pull off the best April Fools joke. With so many attempts all day, we didn't believe her about the tooth, and boy were we fooled!
The tooth fairy did visit our house last night. She brought Grace a toy to exchange for the tooth. Grace peeked early early this morning to see and then came into our room to make us get up and go in to officially see what was under her pillow.

What a big girl I have! I'm hoping to post more big girl news soon. I was hoping that Hattie would have the next big girl post before Grace's tooth came out. She's been trying hard to use the potty and she's nearly there. We have 2 weeks until we get on an airplane, can she do it before then??!

Spring has sprung?

Maybe. I'm still not 100% convinced. I'm sure New England weather will throw in plenty more cold days. It's usually June before I can quit wearing a jacket to the barn. I'll keep the flannel sheets on the bed a few more weeks just to be safe. But, any bit of spring will be warmly welcomed after the extremely insane winter we've had.

Here's my list of evidence that it might be spring now in New England:

*crocuses - Now, where I come from, crocuses come up in February/March and the tulips and daffodils are in full swing by March/April. Well, here it's at least a month later than that. My crocuses did finally pop this week with the melt of the last of the snow. (Velvet also found her favorite kong toy as that last snowbank melted! It's been missing all winter.) The crocuses are the ONLY flowering thing in the yard right now, so we love them to death. We're hoping the dreary rain hasn't ruined them today. I can just see the tops of the tulip leaves coming out of the ground too.
*bonfires - yep, here we don't recycle or throw out yard waste. We burn it! There's just so much tree debris, especially after a few winter ice storms, there's nothing else to be done with it. It was so bad this year, our town did set up an emergency "tree junk" drop off, but that requires having a truck to get it there. So, in the grand tradition of rural New England, we had our annual bonfire yesterday in the yard. Doesn't get better than roasting wienies and marshmallows in your own backyard. By the way, this is as close as I will come to camping in the East.

*peeper frogs! I know I've mentioned them on the blog before, but they are a perennial favorite of ours. Grace absolutely adores them and loves to open her window a bit while she falls asleep to hear them at night. The girls both spent quite a bit of time watching them from the side of the pond yesterday. They chatter with a sort of goose cackle all day and then chirp like little birds or crickets at night. We love our hundreds of "pet" frogs in our pond. The best part, is that we didn't put them there, we don't have to feed, or take care of them, and they come back every year. (we think the same thing about all our "pet" birds who frequent our bird feeders.)

*the opening of the local ice cream stand. Erikson's opened yesterday, but we were too busy with our bonfire to make it over there. It was probably way busy anyway so we'll go sometime this week.

*crocs - can you actually live in New England if you don't own a pair of crocs? We started wearing ours this week.

*rain - this is one of my least favorite parts of spring. I don't mind a little rain to water the flowers and keep things alive, but do we have to get soaked and have grey skies on such a regular basis?

*bugs - actually, we haven't seen any bugs yet, but we did start up the mosquito magnet and throw mosquito dunks in the pond. We're hoping to get a head start on them. The dogs also went in for their annual CHA CHING vet visit to see what damage had been done by ticks and mosquitoes last year (lyme tests, heartworm screenings, etc.) and to buy the summer supply of tick guard and heartworm treatment. Velvet tested positive for some tick-borne disease. She's already had lyme, I honestly can't remember the name of this one, but she's on a month treatment of antibiotics for it. Did I mention I hate the bugs????

So, like I said, I think, maybe, it might, be, SPRING!!!

fun kid pics

I know the blog has been heavy on "Grace news" lately, but what can I say - she's up to a lot! Can you see, oh my goodness, what is coming into her mouth today?! She has her first loose tooth - stay tuned for her first Tooth Fairy story! (yes, that is her permanent tooth poking through behind...)Here's the little stinker at pony club last Saturday. Rita invited her to come to work with me and do all of the lessons and clinics. She loved every second of it. It was SO fun to have her at the barn with me. She's getting quite self-sufficient and it's getting to be something we can do together now - especially when it's just the two of us.

Ok, this isn't one of my kids, but I'd adopt her gladly. This is sweet Tinkerbell! She's been plastered with "pony part" labels. It was one of our clinics on Saturday. She was such a trooper to tolerate it and let the kids learn equine anatomy.
This is Grace getting to go on a real bike ride with her dad. We borrowed the trailer bike from some friends hoping to get Grace stronger and more balanced so she can shed her training wheels soon. They had a blast.
All of my little stinkers...
And, finally, definitely, my biggest "little stinker"!
(Hattie will get her turn at lots of blog stories soon. She'll have a birthday next month and she gets to go to Salt Lake to celebrate!)

an update and a biology lesson

This is probably the last time I'll blog about this. Who knows, maybe not. But, I thought I'd let people know that we got the tissue test results back today from my miscarriage. We had the doctor send it away to be analyzed so that we might figure out the cause of the miscarriage in case there was a chance we could do something to avoid it happening again.

The analysis shows that we had a trisomy 15 fetus. If you've had a biology class or two, you know what a trisomy is. If not, in a nutshell, it means that either the egg or the sperm, when it was formed from another cellular division, ended up with an extra copy of this chromosome. (You are supposed to get 1 copy of each chromosome from each parent.) Then, when the two cells combined, you have 2 copies + 1 copy = 3 for the trisomy. So, any cells produced from that combination will now have the extra copy. (Down syndrome is trisomy 21.) If you want a detailed biology lesson, click here for a good description. (sorry - the biology teacher in me is coming out now...)

Trisomies are probably the most common reason for a first trimester miscarriage. Most people just don't know that's what caused the miscarriage. It's just a mistake in cellular division and happens randomly. Some trisomies produce viable embryos that can develop and live on their own once born, like a Down syndrome baby. Others are completely lethal. Complete Trisomy 15 is 100% lethal. (there is also a mosaic trisomy 15 where only some of the fetal cells have the extra copy and those babies can be born and live.) Other trisomies have a spectrum of viability, like our friends who delivered a Trisomy 18 baby who was born at full term and lived for 23 hours last year, while others with that trisomy might live a few weeks or months or years. (ps - I am not an expert on the trisomy outcomes, but this is what I have learned from what my doctor has told me and from a little research online.)

When they do the analysis, I know that they also learn the chromosomal make up for whether it was male or female. When the doctor called today, he didn't offer that information. I was tempted to ask, but I decided not to. I don't really need to know and I don't really want to know. I've lost enough already and to know if I lost a boy or a girl will make it even more personal and hard to get over.

I did really want to know the cause and now I do. It feels very relieving to know that the problem was there from the very beginning and there is nothing that I did or that I could have done to cause or prevent the outcome. It also means that any future pregnancies have every chance of being normal that any pregnancy would. This was a random occurrance and has nothing to do with my health or activities or ability to keep trying. So, whew. We will keep trying!

p.s. Happy Birthday David

As usual, not much happens for a 30-something birthday. I did write a birthday letter to David too, but he's the only one who gets to read it. Sorry folks. However, David DID have a birthday this week too. I think it's cool that Grace gets to celebrate her birthday the same week as her dad like I do with mine. Here's to a Happy 34th babe. We love ya. (oh, yeah, and he totally bought himself a sweet birthday present, so we don't feel too bad for him.)

Totally Kickin' Party

We survived it. 8 six year olds at our house for Grace's birthday party yesterday. I know, I'm a big wimp. Some people have 8 kids at their house all the time. But, I have to say, I am just not used to it! Especially the boys - they have so much energy and take so much energy, I am completely worn out.(this was nice for the 3 minutes it lasted...the craft as they walked in the door...)

Grace wanted to have a Kung Fu Panda party. She's been planning it for months. I made her a Kung Fu Panda cake and wrote her name in Chinese (well, at least I think I did - if you can read Chinese characters, maybe you will know if I succeded! I did my best with google - I should have consulted Wendy who actually speaks Chinese.) She played Pin the Tail on the Panda with a totally awesome poster that Aunt Emmie made for her. They also did musical pillows (instead of chairs) to Kung Fu Fighting music and karate kicked a "Master Tigress" pinata. Grace served her favorite Chinese food for lunch - Teriyaki chicken sticks with sticky rice. They ate with chopsticks too. It was really quite the party. Poor Hattie just got lost in the mix. We kept forgetting about her because she was so quiet and scared of everyone. She was found sitting on the couch holding her "tail" for pin the tail on the panda long after the game was over - she never got a turn and never asked for one...

We aren't into the "invite the whole class and everyone you know", so Grace just invited her best buds from town over - most from her kindergarten class. They brought her some cool presents, including a lot of Pokemon stuff and other things that her mom knows knothing about.I'm so glad that Grace had a great time. She loved every minute of it, and only had maybe one moment of being a pouty party pooper. (She was upset that I wouldn't let her be the declared winner of the games when she won - one fairly, and one a little cheatingly.) I let her friends have prizes instead. I mean, come on, she had already stashed identical prizes for herself BEFORE the party to be sure she got what she wanted!

All I know is that Grace is one kid who loves having a birthday party. They all do, I'm sure, but she gets so into every detail and is so thrilled with every tiny thing from having balloons, to the right color candles, to the right things in the goodie bags. She's already planning her theme for her 7th birthday! I have a friend who did themed birthday parties for all her kids and now, even as grown adults, they still ask her for themed parties. I wonder how long Grace will keep doing it? I'm happy to do it as long as she wants it. Besides the exhaustion and confusion during the party, it is really fun to do for someone who really appreciates it!

Auntie Em

As I said before, Aunt Emmie came to see us and spend a few days with Grace for her birthday. We are SO glad she came. Even though it was FA-REEZING cold the whole time she was here and we really didn't do anything or go anywhere exciting, we just loved having her in our house to hang out with. The kids' favorite thing to do with her at home is to snuggle up with her on the couch, or sleep with her in bed.She helped us run lots of birthday errands, made up a game for Grace's party, entertained Grace and Hattie, and just made us feel better.

Emily was here for the actual day of Grace's birthday, which was so great. She got to come with us to the kindergarten birthday celebration. At Grace's school, you can't bring in any outside food to share with other kids, so the tradition of a birthday cupcake is totally lost. They do have a pretty neat tradition of doing a birthday book. You buy a book to donate to the class library and wrap it up so that the birthday kid can open it in front of the class. Then, they put the birthday kids' picture and name inside the book too. I got to go in and read the book to the class after she opened it. Then, they do a crazy dance celebration. It was so funny to watch! The teacher does all the classic '80's and '90's dance moves - start the lawnmower, pick the apples, spin the pizza, etc. I was dying laughing. I was glad to get to take Emily to see the class too.
For our last hurrah with Emily, we went out for a birthday dinner at one of our local favorite's - Not Your Average Joe's. David and Grace both got their birthday dinners, and to my total shock, both Grace and Hattie were on their very best behavior. It was a completely nice evening, topped off by Grace opening her family birthday presents.Taking Emily to the airport was horrible. I am always sad to see family leave, but I've gotten pretty good about not being too emotional about it. Not this time. I don't know if it was just everything that has piled up lately or what, but one more sad thing to think about was almost too much to take. I hated to see her take her suitcase and walk in the airport. I'm ok now, but I'm super glad that I am going back to Utah in a month so I have some more family to look forward to seeing soon. Thanks for coming Emily. We ALL really appreciated it.

Happy 6th Birthday Grace!

I did this last year and I think it makes a good tradition. So, Gracie, here's your birthday letter.
Dear Grace,
I love you and I hope you have a super happy birthday today.

I know that you are excited to celebrate your birthday with your Aunt Em, who flew out from SLC to see you. I know you can't wait to go to school with your birthday girl t-shirt on and open your birthday book with your class. I can't wait to come and read it to your class and see you at school on your birthday. I know you can't wait to go out to dinner with your daddy tonight and open your presents. And, I know that you are anxiously looking forward to your birthday party with your friends on Saturday.

In 6 years, you have become one of my very best friends. I can tell that you are starting to think that your mommy isn't as cool as your other friends are, but I am so glad that you still do things with me. I wish we could do more things together. I know that adding Harriet to our family has made it harder for us to be best buds, but I hope that she becomes your best bud someday too.

I love that:
you love school
you love PE at school
you check out a library book every week and read it cover to cover
you can read a chapter book cover to cover and know practically every word
you do math problems all day long for fun
you do your homework the day that you get it
you are getting lots better at saying your "k's and g's"
you make up jokes that don't make any sense, but still think they're funny
you love your friends, most of them boys
you are thriving in your karate class and getting out your strong energy
you love stuffed animals and name them all (boys' names) and think that they are characters in your own story
you are better than me at guitar hero and mario kart on the wii
you never do your hair and love having it long at the same time
you wear blue, head to toe, every day
you are not a morning person, like me (can we convince Hattie not to get up at 6:30 so we can get some sleep?)
you want to do everything with your daddy
you love nature and take your time to notice everything outside - sunsets, stars, constellations, weather, birds, plants, patterns, and everything beautiful
you hand-write long, nice notes to anyone you can think of
you make posters, signs, pictures, and notes for your dogs, and hang them above their doggie beds to tell them how much you love them
you always think of Hattie or me or Daddy when you have something that can be shared and you share it (or you get an "extra one" for everyone when you get something for yourself.)
you grow like a baby giraffe and your arms and legs get longer every day
you always give me a kindergarten smooch before you leave for school
you wish that kindergarten lasted all day
you love winter and snow and hate it when I complain about being cold
you still wear your 2007 4th of July t-shirt proudly and can't wait to for the 4th of July every year (we'll get you a new t-shirt this year)
you love to wear your University of Utah sweatshirt on the weekends like your daddy
you are your own little person and you don't let anyone else tell you how you should be

Happy 6th Birthday Grace! I can't wait for you to wake up this morning so I can read this to you. I can't wait for you to see all your presents and have a fun day all day long.

I love you.
Mommy

random thoughts

Well, it's been a week since I miscarried. I won't pretend that it's been an easy week. Sunday was the worst and it's mostly gotten better since then. I am amazed by my friends and how much they check up on me and help me out. Not only do I have lots of physical support here in MA, but I have been held up by some super great women who live 1000's of miles away too. Of course, family is always there and constant too, but it's also nice to know you're loved by people who aren't required.

Mostly, being distracted by every day life is the best way to get over anything. My girls provide plenty of distractions. Karate class, laundry, toys everywhere, moon-bounce in the living room, running errands for the first time in weeks, and potty training have taken up my week.

David is awesome. He has done so much to help me. He does dishes before going to work in the morning, shuttles the laundry up and down the stairs, makes dinner or eats leftovers when I don't feel like cooking, takes the kids, and doesn't complain. You gals should all be jealous of me.

So, the real reason I sat down to write something is that I am just so amused by Grace lately. My mom would say that she does exactly what I used to do when I was little. First of all, Grace is a pack-rat. She throws NOTHING away. Every piece of paper, every leftover kleenex box, every McDonald's toy, let alone the real stuff is a treasure. She gets rid of nothing. To throw a scrap of paper away (even if it's not hers) requires a funeral.

I'm holding a kleenex box that she refuses to let me throw away (we have several floating around the house and I have to sneak them into the recycling when she's at school - can't ever get rid of them all, or she'll notice.) This is what she has INSIDE the kleenex box:

*a plastic "gold" medal with a star on it hanging from a red/white/blue ribbon
*a plastic tiger
*a figurine of Simba from The Lion King
*a pirate telescope from McDonald's
*a miniature pirate treasure chest with a button inside
*a plastic shark
*a beaded necklace
*a rope bracelet
*a plastic spider
*another beaded necklace
*a plastic crab
*a plastic polar bear
*2 skull rings
*a plastic snow leopard
*a plastic dolphin
*a plastic baby tiger
*a seal
*4 golden coins
*a piece of felt ribbon that has "Hi!" written on it in marker
*another rope bracelet
*another plastic crab
*a turtle
*a leopard seal
*a real quarter
*her fall soccer medal

This only describes one kleenex box. Don't get me started on what is in her "home" backpack, which she takes up the stairs at night and brings downstairs in the morning, or any other container she finds empty around the house.

Not meant to be

Now that I've started the story, I guess I need to finish it. The pea in the pod was not destined to become more than that, just a pea in the pod. Now, that title of my post a few weeks ago is even more fitting than I could have thought. What was once a pea in the pod is not a pregnancy anymore. 10 weeks was all it lasted.

Again, I debated about whether to post, or how much to say. This blog is a sort of journal, but it's really not a personal one. It's more of a place to post pictures for grandmas and say what we're doing lately with a few opinions and some venting here and there. I know that my previous blog did spread the news around, so I feel like I need to do the same now. I don't want to call each individual person I know and have this conversation 20 times. At the same time, I don't mind talking about it, I just don't know who knows what and who doesn't at this point.

As it turns out, the ultrasound photo I posted would turn out to show the healthiest week in my pregnancy, if I had a healthy week. That was the only week that significant growth was measured, that a heartbeat was measurable, and that the technician didn't send me out of the room with a dead silence that you can only interpret in one way.

I have known this day was coming for weeks. I have been prepared. I have had probably at least a dozen different reasons for instinctively knowing that this was not a healthy pregnancy. Still, having "miscarriage" on my reproductive resume was nothing I thought I would ever have.

I have had a total of 5 ultrasounds with this pregnancy - once a week since I first found out I was pregnant. None of them sent me away without a feeling of uncertainty (which is why I was called back again and again to that little dark room.) The last two were the hardest to watch. It didn't take a rocket scientist to tell that the embryo had shrunken, not grown, and that the heartbeat was fading to almost nothing. It was only a matter of time.

That has been the hardest part - the time. Every week that has passed has felt like a month. Every day, I wondered if this would be the day I would start bleeding. Would this be the night David has to take me to the emergency room and we have to call some poor friend out of bed to come stay with the kids? I quit working at the barn and I quit making any big plans because I had no idea when this certain disaster would hit. I hated to give up hope and start wishing for a quick end, but the reality of the facts forced me to start doing that.

Thankfully, I was granted an easy and quick final chapter. Between last week and this week, sometime, the baby (can you even call it that?), the embryo, the mass of cells, died. Even though I knew that news was coming yesterday and we clearly saw it on the 5th ultrasound, the spoken words from the doctor were still hard to take. David choked back tears and I eventually let go in the parking lot.

My choices were few. Do nothing, wait for nature to take it's course (more waiting? more uncertainty? more emergencies in the middle of the night?), or have the surgery. Surgery next week? Surgery tomorrow? Even though David said "I'm really busy tomorrow." I said "I'm not, tomorrow is great."

I feel really really lucky. I had so much control over the last part. We had a wonderful friend take the girls today. David was with me. The procedure was unbelievably short and painless, and I actually didn't feel too terribly bad afterwards either. The doctor gave us a lot of reassurance that I made the right decision to have surgery today. He said after seeing how much tissue there was, that I would have ended up doing an emergency surgery anyway. When I first woke up from the anesthetic, I didn't know where I was or why, but in that same instant the reality exploded in front of me and I had my turn to lose it one more time. Since then, I have really been ok. Close friends have called, family has called and sent flowers, and Julie even sent us home with dinner when we picked up the girls. (Should I say that David was insane and KEPT our appointment to feed the missionaries tonight? I told him he should just give them money to go out to dinner, but he really wanted to do it. He tended the kids, cleaned up the house, and cooked and served dinner while I hid in my room. He deserves lots of husband and daddy medals today.)

There are many more details I could share. I'd rather share some with certain people and others with other people. But I will say that I am ok, things are going to be ok, and we know we'll try again.

ps- I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has helped us through the past few weeks. I know that many have prayed and have offered their service. Even though the outcome wasn't the best, I know that prayers were answered and I know I made it through because of them.

Butterflies

Hattie is finally getting over her walking pneumonia. The sun has now been shining brightly for 2 days, and I couldn't take one more morning of tv/markers and paper/fighting/staring at my computer. I got up this morning and decided to take the little stinkers on an outing.

Our choices were pretty limited. It's still really cold, and Hattie's not quite all the way better, so outside things were off limits. Everything else that is fun and not a germ pool would be in Boston, but there are a few small places in our neck of the woods where you can go to enjoy yourself indoors without touching too many germy things or spending tons of money. One of them is the Butterfly Place. (but it's still a 35 minute drive...)

(3 blue morpho butterflies sitting on a bench together. I thought they looked so cool. They have gorgeous blue irridescent wings on the inside, but they fly really fast and it is hard to get a good picture of them until they land - which is when they immediately close their wings!)

We have been there once before, but Hattie was only a baby. They just opened on Valentine's Day for the season so their flowers and plants are just starting out and it wasn't as lush and gorgeous as it is later in the year. Still, the butterfly room is heated to 85 degrees (YES!) and has fresh dirt, fresh plants, and beautiful butterflies and birds.

Both girls were so SCARED that a butterfly would land on them. I tried to tell them that butterflies don't bite, that they only give you a little kiss. Hattie did end up with a butterfly kiss, but Grace says she's grateful that none kissed her.

(this picture will NOT rotate the right way... but, it is one of my favorites from today.)

We spent a glorious warm hour in the room watching the butterflies go about their business and then the girls went to the gift shop to spend the little handful of dollars they got for Valentine's day from their grandmas.

There were still a few fights and plenty of screaming in the car, but at least it was a change of venue. Thank you butterflies!(an Asian leaf walker bug. It looks almost identical to the leaves it stays on - great camo job!)

(the chrysallis room - you can see all the butterflies in various stages of coming out - some are already out. they keep them in the room until they determine they are healthy enough to be let out with the other butterflies because many come from foreign countries and can transmit disease and also carry parasites and larvae of unwanted foreign bugs. we learned a lot.)

Winter, you are NOT welcome

here anymore.

I haven't blogged for a couple of weeks. There has been nothing noteworthy to say for so long. I feel absolutely BLAH. I'm not happy, I'm not really sad, I just don't feel like anything. I don't feel like doing something fun, I don't feel like going anywhere - I even have my groceries delivered, but at the same time, I am SICK of staying home, I don't feel like cleaning or organizing or crafting or reading or cooking or anything. I have the worst winter blues.

I haven't had winter blues since we moved here. I always got a case of it when we lived in Salt Lake under the grey inversions and disgusting winter smog. But, here, winter is actually pretty sunny and clear, so my mood follows that.

This winter, probably officially started for us with that ice storm that I don't care to reference again. That was followed by so many weeks of minus degree or barely 10 degree weather and storm after storm after storm. Those things combined have left us with a popsicle for a house - our roof and yard around the house buried in 4 inches of ice. The ice dam got so bad that the water started coming in and has now ruined the ceiling in the mudroom.

Still, in the midst of it all, I was grateful that we actually stayed pretty healthy. I couldn't believe that in the worst winter I can remember, no one had a cold or the flu or anything. I thought that too soon. Now that the weather is finally starting to break - above freezing, yay! - we are SICK. Hattie has had a series of colds. I had a pretty good one a few weeks ago, and now we're on another round. Harriet went to urgent care Friday night to find out that she has walking pneumonia. Grace woke up this morning with gallons of snot in her head. (So, we're staying home from church - again.) I feel like crap all the time anyway being pregnant. I am so sick of sitting on my red couch blowing noses!!! My dogs are going completely nuts. They ask to go outside every 10 minutes and continually bring me a ball or something to ask "CAN YOU PLEASE PLAY WITH US???" I took them for a short walk to the bridge the other day, but that was all I could muster.

Will we ever get to go outside again? I relish the short few weeks when winter is breaking before the spring rain and BUGS start up. I fear I will have to wait until August now to actually enjoy going outside. I am totally claustrophobic and just need to get out of here! I am really looking forward to our trip to Salt Lake in April. The weather better be 100% fantastic during our short excursion for Grace's spring break.

I guess that's all the venting I need to do. Here is a totally cute picture of Hattie pretending to go somewhere. She does this all the time - gets all dressed up to leave and tells me she's going to the store or to a party. Poor kid.

hie-yah!

Grace has taken her fascination with China/Asian things one step further. She's now totally into martial arts. She started a karate class a few weeks ago with her best friend Eamon. She was excited to the bones to get her "gi" (outfit) this week and anxiously awaits her next class. They do lots of athletic drills as well as teaching all the traditional karate moves. This has been such a great thing for her. It is so awesome to watch her do something that she loves. Hattie needs a class too - she waits patiently during Grace's karate class, but you can just see how much she wants to be part of the action. I think we'll wait until fall when she starts pre-school to find the right class for her. She is so athletic and nimble, she'd be good at just about anything and she loves anything that involves moving her body. If the dance teacher resurfaces, I'd love to see them both back in dance, but that may not happen. Guess we'll wait and see.

All the nerds in the house stand up...

Everyone knows that David and I are nerds. We loved school, we love science, we are good at math (well, some of us USED to be good at math.) But, I think the people who appreciate my nerdiness the most are my former Chemistry students. My nerdiness validates theirs. (I'm a normal person, right?) A very few of them are now my friends.

My friend Adrienne has always been a person I admired. I have admired her since I first met her as a high school student. If she reads this I know she'll be totally embarrassed, but that's what happens when you make friends with your teacher! She was (is) a model student. She plunged into the work, retried everything until it was perfect, and never failed to ace every single test or task that was given her. I have her handwriting emblazoned in my memory. It was flawless, a work of art. I could have used her tests for a key to grade the rest. I'm not exaggerating in the least when I say that either. She confessed the other day that she and another star student took on the task of teaching one of the most difficult subjects in AP chemistry to the class when I was on maternity leave and the sub had no idea where to begin. (I still feel guilty that she got "the bum" year of my teaching for her AP class. I did not do a very good job that year with my pregnancy.) Not only is Adrienne a stellar student, but she is also a great person. I remember thinking she was so on top of her game in every way in high school. She was not only good at academics, but she played sports, had lots of friends, and had her head on straight.

Adrienne is in her last year at the University of Utah. She majored in chemistry. (what else?) She says she did it because of me. I actually feel bad sometimes that she has subjected herself to one of the toughest majors possible for a pre-med student at the U. I am in awe though. Her knowledge and ability in chemistry surpassed mine a long time ago. She is now in the process of applying to medical school and has received invitations to interview at every top school to which she applied. She's interviewing at Yale tomorrow (decided she was too good for Harvard :-) )

Why do I tell all of this story? I don't know really. She has become a significant part of my life in recent months as we have communicated frequently and spent some quality time together. I think it might also be because on some level I am really proud of Adrienne. Saying I'm proud of her makes it feel like I'm taking a little of the credit for what she has done. But, she is so phenomenal, I don't think any credit is due me since she would have been totally incredible with or without me as her teacher. So I don't know what the right word is. Still, it's flattering to think that she was my student and I might have influenced her in some way. I'm so excited that she calls me her friend now. She has forced me to become better at texting and reminds me of the things I used to be good at and care about.

She was in Boston last week interviewing at Boston University. She forged through a really terrible storm after the interview to come and see me. I picked up a wet and frozen girl from the commuter train station and we had a fantastic night together. We ate at a quaint little grille in Concord, drove around to see some of the historic sites, and came back to my house for a quick "meet the family."

We thankfully remembered to take a picture of us together (although I wish we had remembered in Concord.) David suggested taking one in front of my periodic table that still hangs in the playroom. I thought that sounded the nerdiest of all, but it is definitely fitting.

So, I guess I write all this to say "THANKS" to Adrienne for being my friend, making me feel like I might have made a difference in someone's life, and for loving to be a nerd with me. I selfishly hope that she accepts an invitation to do med school here in Boston.