Grunge-style Nostalgia

"I feel like we have to keep our eyes on the road.  Being nostalgic is like taking an off ramp and getting a sandwich - and then you get back on the highway.  I don't want to be spending the rest of my life at the gas station." - Eddie Vedder

Well, Eddie, it's time to stop for a nostalgia sandwich.  Since I didn't have a blog (heck, we barely had computers) in 1994, some of this stuff about me has never seen the written page.  This is a totally selfish post and means very little in the grand scheme of life, but it's my blog and I feel like writing it, so...  here goes.

I realized this morning, thanks to the miracle of social networking (from which I get 90% of my current events and news, sadly) that today is the 20th anniversary of the death of Kurt Cobain.  My 20th high school reunion is also scheduled in a few months.  So, nostalgia is a good place to be for a little while anyway.  This freeway I'm on is straight and FAST.  Grace just got her note home to watch the puberty video next week.  WHEN did THAT happen?!

I have been thinking about doing a little grunge music post for a while anyway.  I've rekindled my relationship with it and I love it just as much as I ever did as a teenager.  Maybe more.  I've also indoctrinated Grace.  YES!  Listening to Alive or All Apologies pour out of her little guitar just soothes my soul.  For Christmas, Jessica gave me Pearl Jam's new album, Lightning Bolt as well as a little video compilation on Pearl Jam (that's the source of the Eddie quote above.)  A friend of ours asked me about it (when was the last time someone asked me about music?! so rad) and I couldn't have been more pleased as punch to physically give him the CD to give it a listen for himself.  I miss that part of life - letting someone borrow your new awesome CD, because you just can't get over how great it is.  You just don't get to do it as much when you're 38 as when you're 18.

I rarely sit down to watch anything on the boob tube by myself, but I finally watched the video a couple of weeks ago too.  After watching it, I just felt awesome about Pearl Jam and their music again.  They have stood the test of time (20+ years.)  They are the only grunge band left, still producing music that more than 10 people want to listen to.  They are still relevant.  (Soundgarden... not so much.)

Back to the nostalgia.  I read an article this morning about Kurt Cobain.  In it, the writer mentioned that "everyone (especially of Gen X) remembers where they were when they found out Kurt had died."  Well, I don't remember the exact place I was, but I do remember finding out, and that sinking feeling and loss of innocence.  The same feelings returned when I found out that Michael Hutchence had taken his life as well, a few years later.  (I do remember exactly where I was for that one - driving my car down 7th East towards downtown Salt Lake.  I heard it on the radio.  It was wrenching.  I thought about pulling over, but kept driving.  I had high-fived that guy just a few years earlier when we ditched senior spring formal and went to the INXS concert instead.  Good times.)

However, more vividly, I remember the exact moment when Nirvana and grunge music came into my life.  I was sitting in drivers ed, during the fall of my sophomore (first) year of high school.  Everything was new and exciting.  School, driving, friends, music, everything.  This girl, beautiful, very cool, Jacqueline, sits down in front of me and turns around to talk to me.  She's new and sassy and has no friends yet, but that doesn't seem to be a problem for her whatsoever.  She is holding the Nevermind album in one hand and has an UBER cool portable CD player in the other hand with a set of earbuds.  She hands me one and says "listen to THIS."  My mind was blown.  I had never heard music like that before and I was instantly hooked.

I found Pearl Jam shortly after that and my friend, Orion, suggested that if I liked Pearl Jam I should definitely watch the movie "Singles."  To this day, that is hands down my favorite movie of all time.  High school years are formative years.  Somehow, most of what happens then, defines you in some way.  I spent those 3 years dressing like a homeless person trying to escape the 80's (we all did - and now I get after Grace for doing the exact same thing - she is my 17 year old mini-me.)  My dream was to own a real pair of Doc Marten boots.  I had some knock offs until senior year maybe.  I just bought a pair of calf-length cherry red Docs a couple summers ago in Seattle that my 17 year old self would have DIED for.  (would have also died for the trip to Seattle.)

My friends and I ate, breathed, and slept music.  We went to every concert we could get our hands on and in those days, it was a LOT of concerts.   They were cheap.  You could see a band for 15 or 20 bucks.  There were venues everywhere.  Bands everywhere.  I couldn't get enough.  Bands like Nirvana and Pearl Jam did not come through Salt Lake at that time.  Pearl Jam did come later when I was in college, but I never got the chance to see Nirvana play.   We dreamed about road-tripping to Seattle to see them play.  (Yeah right - not in a million years if mo-Deb is your mom are you road-tripping to Seattle!  She barely lets you drive to school!) There were all these rumors that they played in little clubs under fake names and if you were lucky enough to guess, you could get in and see them up close in a small setting.  Ahh teenage dreams.

Anyway, what am I trying to say?  I think I love grunge music because of how dark it is.  The music itself is deep and growling and visceral.  The lyrics match.  It makes you search out your own demons and for me, helps to beat them out of my system.  There's nothing more cleansing than turning up some crazy Pearl Jam or Nirvana song really loud and driving out your own crazy.  Or better yet, busting it out of yourself in a mosh pit.  I miss mosh pits.  Sigh.  Some people search out uplifting thoughts in Mo Tab recordings.  Everyone has their thing.

The funny thing about grunge music is that it lasted EXACTLY as long as high school.  Nevermind was released September of our sophomore year.  Kurt died in April of our senior year.  After that, the music was deflated.  Pearl Jam survived, but only because they, themselves, grew up along with the rest of us and left a lot of the grunge behind.  But that early awesome music was only here for that short 3 years.  Nirvana's songs, all both albums of them, are awesome, partly because that's all there are of them, but partly because they are truly genius.  I put up a little poll on Facebook today (poorly attended by the way - come on class of '94!  you guys are total let downs.)  I asked "what is your favorite Nirvana song?" Everyone had a different one.  They were ALL good.  You can't miss with any of them.  I actually didn't grow to truly appreciate Nirvana until later.   I was a die hard Pearl Jam fan for many years before I discovered the real genius of their Nirvana cousins.  I think Eddie's voice attracted me to their music more than Kurt's did to Nirvana's.  Plus, I was 17 and had a hard-core teenage crush on Mr. Vedder.  (Who didn't?)

So, what I have been thinking about all day, today, on the anniversary of Kurt's death is how tragic he and his music were.  His music was only as amazing as it was because he was hurting as much as he was.  Now that I am an adult, I am so sad for him and his friends and family.  Back then, I just mourned the music.  But, now, I see more of the big picture.  He was in a very dark place and the most incredible music came out of it.  If he hadn't been near suicide, the music wouldn't have been as good.  That is truly tragic.  Foo Fighters are great, but they are nothing near as great as Nirvana and it's because they don't have Kurt.  Sorry Foo, but it's true.

It leaves me with 3 questions.  If that much beauty can come from darkness, what are we letting go to waste when things aren't even that dark?  What would Nirvana be now, if Kurt were still here?  (Would they still be putting out great albums like Pearl Jam, or would they have burned out quick, and be gone anyway?)  And... what would Pearl Jam be if Nirvana had survived?   You know.  Deep stuff.

Obviously, nothing can be what it isn't, so some of those questions aren't even valid.  But it's stuff I think about.

Sorry, readers (grandma? mom? dad?  who still reads this thing?)  Thanks for allowing my little self-indulgent post and my moment of navel gazing (as my good friend Katie Clifford calls it.)

RIP Kurt Cobain.  You have had an impact on my life, that's for sure.  I think I might sleep in my cherry red Docs tonight.  Well, I would if I were 18.  But, I'm 38.  You can't sleep in your docs when you're 38.  What's the line from Singles?  "I'm 23.  Time is running out to do something bizarre.  Somewhere around 25, bizarre becomes... immature."  Nevermind about the docs.  I need to go watch Singles!  Thanks for the nostalgia sandwich, Eddie Vedder.  Back on the freeway tomorrow.