moving on

This post has been a long time coming. Not quite sure where to start. Our move was tentative and secret and postponed for so long, it's kind of weird to think of it as current, happening, public knowledge, and soon!

Actually, weird doesn't cut it. Downright sickening, daunting, crazy, and surreal are more like it. I guess I'll start where we are right now. I won't lie, I've pretty much wanted to move back west ever since I landed myself in Massachusetts. One of my favorite things to do during the day is complain about living here. Most people know this about me and think that this move must be so easy and exactly what I want, so why all the tears? It gets a little more complicated than that.

Despite my firm stand to not let New England grow on me. It has. Despite my firm conviction to make my kids think they're from Utah (even though one of them wasn't even born there), they both think they're from Massachusetts. They are. Grace was not much more than a baby when we moved here. They have grown up here (so far), made all of their friends here, and most everything they love about life is here. They love living here. Grace even loves the winter. Impossible! As a mother, I just feel like the meanest person alive to be ripping them away from the schools, teachers, friends, activities, and the pony and the house that they love. It would be easier to justify this heart-ache if we HAD to move, but we don't. We could totally stay here and keep things exactly as they are. We totally made the choice. We want to move. We also know it's the right decision for our family now and in the long-term. We know we don't want to stay here forever. But, trying to convince Grace of these finer points is not going so well. "You'll thank me later" just loses its luster entirely. In fact, it's down right insulting. She is hurting and will be sad for a long time. That's why all the tears.

The story changes as the months go by, but I'll tell it like David did on Sunday when he was released from his bishopric calling.

We had a Chapman family reunion in July 2008 in Utah. We saw his whole family for the first time in 11 years. We also spent a substantial amount of time with my family. For the first time since moving here, David felt the pangs of a need to be closer to family. We were sad that these cousins were merely acquaintances in some ways for our kids. We decided maybe it was time to think about looking for new options. Our 4 years in MA was coming up. Maybe 4 years was enough?

Shortly thereafter, the economy tanked. The housing market took such a nose dive, no one in their right mind would willingly put their house on the market (especially someone who had bought at the peak of the market like we had.) The job market went in the toilet shortly thereafter. It seemed like every week, someone we knew got laid off from their job. Close friends are still losing their jobs as we speak. What a bad time to start thinking about a life change. So, we tucked the idea away and decided to ride out the economy and try for that 3rd child. We would stay in MA indefinitely. I girded myself up to live here for a very long time. I made myself be ok with it and figured out even more ways to be happy here.

The 3rd child didn't happen. Still isn't happening. Of course I wanted to have some good concrete reasons why a baby wasn't what we were supposed to be doing. Couldn't come up with any. Chalk it up to life. There isn't always another reason. Then, in April 2009, David started getting e-mails out of the blue. He was getting offers to interview for jobs he hadn't even asked about or looked for. It seemed INSANE. So many people we knew had been out of work for the entire winter - couldn't find a job to save their household no matter how hard they tried. And here we were with a totally sweet career in hand plus offers for more without even asking. It was embarrassing and a little frightening. We didn't tell anyone, whispered it to a few close people eventually, that David was looking into these new opportunities. David was eventually offered 2 jobs in L.A. and one in Albuquerque by mid-summer. crazy! How is this possible? The only conclusion we could come to was that it must be something we're supposed to do. It felt right, but definitely not planned.

We nearly decided on going to L.A. when the Albuquerque option was taking too long and appeared to have gone to someone else (although ABQ was the first choice.) The near decision to move to L.A. did not feel right at all. Stupidly, I was willing to push through it anyway at the thought of living in the sun. But, as soon as David got a simple phone call "did you take the job in L.A. yet? don't." I knew exactly what we had to do. He accepted the job in ABQ and never looked back.

That was 6 months ago. The past 6 months have been a giant exercise in patience. If you want to know why things take so long in the government, I will tell you why! We were supposed to be gone by Halloween. How could I be decorating for Christmas? Maddening! How could I be here for one more New England winter? Please tell me I don't have to be so cold! Still, in hind-sight you always see how things work out for the best. The past 6 months gave us a chance to do all the things we love in New England one more time, and even cross a few off our list that we hadn't gotten to yet. It gave Grace a chance to be in her beloved first grade class she had been looking forward to. She made some tight, great new friends this fall. It gave Hattie the chance to go to the pre-school she's wanted to go to for a year. It gave me the chance to get ready, as much as possible, to trek across the country one more time. It also gave us the chance to do a lot of things to the house and yard while the weather was good and sell it when the girls aren't out enjoying a lot of the things that are available in the better weather.

It gave us the chance to make sure too. I've only made a few MAJOR decisions in my life. Each time I have, I've been met with equally major resistance. I feel the power of opposition so strongly at these times. David did too. We came to a point (during this waiting and wondering about the relocation and job start date) where we were really irritable, very contentious, and not nice. We couldn't get responses back from his new job no matter how many times he asked. We couldn't get straight answers. We just kept getting strung along for longer and longer periods of time. We couldn't plan anything because we didn't know if we'd get an answer in a day, a week, a month, or even longer. We could just feel the tension in the air. I was totally frustrated; David was stuck in the middle. Was this a sign that we made the wrong decision, or was this a strong test of our ability to push through and keep making the right one?

We decided that we already knew we had made the right decision. It had felt right in the beginning. We felt inspired and guided when we made it. So, whatever was going on had to be an outside force. The Lord had a plan for us and evil tried to get in the way, big time. As soon as we shunned it, things started falling into place. All of the puzzle pieces are coming together in a way that is very remarkable if you stand back and look at the whole picture.

Our house sold after 5 days on the market. 5 days in a buyers market over the New Year holiday weekend! We have friends who waited 11 months last year for an offer. We went to Albuquerque last week to find a new house. We knew exactly what we wanted, the exact neighborhoods, and the exact houses that would be possibilities. I had narrowed down to 2 school districts I was willing to put the kids in. We had been looking at houses online for 6 months. We couldn't have been more prepared to select one of those houses. Our several friends there had given us every bit of great advice they had. They had driven streets for us and checked out houses for us. But, little tiny whisperings guided us to a neighborhood on the other side of town we had never considered, and to a listing we had never seen before that I had completely crossed off and thrown away as soon as we saw it. We made the offer. Sent the signed counter offer off tonight. Barring any major problem, the house appears to be ours.

I said in an e-mail to a friend "if I could take 1 black pony, 2 schools, a dozen of my friends, 20 of Grace and Hattie's friends, 1 karate teacher, and my favorite local farmstand with me to ABQ, life would be absolutely perfect." But, apparently perfection is boring to the universe, so I guess I'll take my nearly perfect life and count my blessings. Amid all of this emotional upset, waiting, expense, and too many things to do, we are unbelievably blessed. We are together as a family. The house we are buying is owned by a couple going through a divorce. They bought it new 3 years ago. They have a baby. It is wrenching to know we are benefiting from such a sad thing. While on our house-hunting trip, we watched coverage of the earthquake in Haiti. What the heck to we have to complain about? Seriously. It feels nearly ridiculous that we have so much when others are in such a state. I wish Grace could understand those things, but she's too little. Trying to show her that side of things just makes her feel unvalidated.

I guess that's the thing. It IS valid to be sad or upset even when someone is worse off than we are. It's ok to be human. We all have our own set of heart-ache to overcome. I just sincerely hope that this move isn't something that is extremely hard for Grace to come out on top. Hattie is so young, she probably won't ever remember living here. That makes me sad too. But it's also ok to make the best out of your life. It's ok to push for your dreams and make decisions when you know they're the right ones. We know we've been helped by so many and continue to be. We hope we can help others, including our little girls, to have the best lives they can have too.

Here is our new home. We have lots of hopes and dreams for it. We hope you'll come visit us in our new land, with our new adventures, which are again, far, far away: